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It's 3 A.M. I'm in my room yet again, staring at the monitor dreaming of how my life "should" be. I can't get a grip of myself, I'm noticing the paleness of my skin (for the sunlight has only been seen twice this entire week). I feel like I'm loosing myself again, in my own world where all I do everyday is grind in the imaginary, hope in the dreamworld, and accomplish nothing while gaining the self-portrait of superiority. I'm still a child, I have 2 months left to grow up. But I've been down this road again, bathed in it, lived in it. Writing about it only gives my fear strength, but if writing can bring me ANY emotion, then it means I can pull out courage as well. I've been looking for a key to do that, I've been looking for a key to open my box, and I've been looking for the key with all the answers to life. I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of searching, if I'm left alone to drift in the desert plains of no where, without food or water the only option left to do would be to create survival! Stop searching for yourself, stop trying to find out who you "should" become. Become something you want to become, and create yourself from the ground up, for if you didn't loose yourself in the first place... What if I really didn't loose myself in the first place? Then that means you're searching for something that can not be found, if you desire gold from the person in front of you, and wish to remain a true man, a true pro, then you are to either create or find your own gold. Now that you have searched beyond the caves of infinity, your only option left is to create it. Start smelting, for your personality isn't an illusion you can't grasp, but a creation you're too afraid to trust.

It's been over a month since the website went down due to some lame script kiddies. O well, not much happened except the idea of me controlling my emotions :/. It sounds weird, but I'm depressed as fuck, and I'm not letting it get to me. I can come up with at least 5 different situations in the past month that I just wanted to brake down and cry (my ass off, rivers of tears pouring down my cheeks and disabling human contact for a while), but I never did. It's like all I have to do now is smile and boom, no matter how hard my heart gets, or how hurtful it becomes, I manage to keep the fear at bay. Which is a good thing, I don't want to seem sad or appear useless anymore, hell I have two months of no school but I don't plan on wasting it! I want to learn something before I progress into my learning environment. Also, I'm very much considering walking down a path of a certain impossible career that not many venture into. I have dreams of being a Physician and helping sick dudes out, I'm going to test myself out next semester and see if I can pull off a massive amount of studying without braking down. For now though, I wish to rest, and rebuild myself mentally with my acquired new skill. See if I can do something else (for entertainment, maybe learn how to play the Guitar or complete my vocal training), so that I may further be stress free in the environments I wish to one day throw myself into. Well, I have much more that I can fill up in this entry, I've stated it before, my writing can become an infinite story written to explore the true emotions of my heart. I only hope that when people read my piles of verbal influence, they feel the same way.

We are told to deal with our struggles and push forward. We are told that fear isn't a character that is meant to destory us, but better us and give us the strength through the experience we are forced to learn through. Happy endings are present in all of our lives, but for every smiling hero there is a despised vilian on the other side, who was ridiculed and stamped with the word "evil". He is now on the center of hatred, but this is where ignorance begins, most people don't realize that just like the hero who just destroyed him, he has the same power of getting off his knee's and claiming the story for his own. People don't care about the morales, or the values of either side, they just want to know who wins so that they can follow a safer route. Blah blah blah don't know where I'm going with this

Lets start this up by stating the obvious, I'm not the "Joker", I'm a joker. That is my role in every single story. It's sickening when you think about it. I've played the enemy. I've played the hero. I've played the side character and the teacher himself. But no matter what the situation, I always end up back where I began. Smiling in the back of the crowd to myself, as I watch a play of hypocricy and idiocy react to my doing. I've told both sides information, I've told both sides they've won, and their losses. It's sickening, it's disgusting, and I love every second of it. When your daughter spends a month crying to herself thinking she's pregnant. you can bet that was my whisper in her ear. When her boyfriend thinks nothing but resemt, it was my influence that caused him to feel as if he did wrong doing. When your wife is simply over tears at the mere thought that her daughter engaged, in LOVE, the woman discovered the daughters secrets through my letters. When you yourself wonder why a family of happiness went down through misery in mere minutes, you can bet, it was our conversations, that got you thinking in the first place. Soap opera's are fake, drama's too much, I'm here to live life, and by living I choose to laugh at those in disgust. My job, is to giggle, as you merely suffer. When you cry, I smirk, when your depressed, I feel nothing but happiness. The funny part is, that through out all eternity, I am forever to live in the souls of those who resemble me. Your happiness lasts for a mere life time, my laughter goes on forever.

Pro isn't defined by the term "Professional" as most would assume. Since a "Professional" still has the ability to mess up, and is liable after doing so. Define Pro, not as someone who excels exponentially at a subject he or she prefers as a means to waste time. Define Pro, as a way of describing someone who has managed to gain the ability of control over their life. A Pro is not a rich powerful human being, a Pro is a open minded kind hearted soul. A Pro is calm in the majority of tests,struggles, thrown at him or her. When exceeded to the extent of paranoia, a Pro either learns to control that energy to further improve the better being of his or herself, or resembles the yogis by meditating the paranoia back to its original state. A Pro accepts defeat, and at the same time, realizes defeat is but a choice of taking the longer path down life. Never stop dreaming, always think positive, calm the insanity, and prioritize the action of learning, after accomplishing the realization of wanting a status represented as a humble leader, and practice is initiated, Pro becomes your stereotype in the minds of the strong.