Conversations in the Lounge

[Lucandrake]

Don't just say you relate, I think we all do on some level. So state why! It's amazing reading all your posts, so continue adding fuel to the fire. Talk about it, encourage it, thrust the desire of your hearts into that little hole in your brain (where your spine is now) and anal it until it does what you love!

 

Ever since High School, I've felt like uselessness. I saw my family, my father what he was, and despised it (now I thank him for it). My mother, how utterly useless she made her life (and never realized that the only uselessness her life created was my disablity to appreciate what she's done for me, thankfully I managed to fix that for her). I saw my sister, starting to do the things I influenced, and now even speaking (and considering) people as I once did. She never had a spine, and now she's lonely (or angry, either way, she figures it a sacrifice to talk back to people who make her do things she doesn't want to do) regardless of how many people claim to love her (for she never believes it). In this pile of trash, my family, I felt that the only thing I could ever amount to was the same thing. I chased empty dreams, and after forgeting everything about programing I realized that I was just repeating the pattern with different variables. So I said screw it, went into seclusion, and sacrificed my health and time (and intlegence) for a video game. A few video games actually, but every game was the same thing, grind, farm, make guild, avoid drama, quit. Again, a pattern I got used to. I stopped having passion, and I stoped chasing everything. I can keep going with all this for a while, hell I can write a series of books on my emotions, my dreams, my life. So I'm not going too.

 

Here's what I did, I buckled down, I did everything I could, and made little attempts here and there (never really getting anywhere). But everytime I started, the closer I got to making change permanent. Little by little I started adding things in my head, rebuilding passion and desire. Little by little I discovered the things that needed to occur and take place. Eventually I got to the conclusion that I really didn't love myself. I asked myself how could I learn to love myself? My answer is the situation I'm in now, accepting everything, denying nothing, attempting to not read others but only myself.

 

Challenge yourself, when you feel like you should be doing something, do it, when you feel like you should stop, don't! Ask yourself questions! Keep asking! Don't stop! If you feel like it's ending, talk to someone, if you got no one to talk to, talk to yourself!

 

"You can never love another person until you learn to love yourself" - Pass that on, that's all I have to say.

 

O, and...

 

[emsley]

Bravo!

[Hera]

Ok now that I am calm I can do this again. I just typed a crapload of text and the window just disappeared. So here is my 2nd attempt and I'll try to make it a bit shorter.

 

 

I suffer from manic depression and anxiety. As most of you already know, I grew up in a dysfunctional drug home.

 

I grew up on junk food because nobody wanted to cook. I used those truths as excuses as to why I made bad choices for my health and education. I ended up getting kicked out of school, became a "gutter punk" doing drugs, drinking all the time and partying. I had this tough facade and to a point I still kinda do...but inside I care too much. I help anyone and everyone I can and never expect anything in return. I hate seeing people hurt even though I know people could care less what I'm feeling on the inside.

 

I have this problem..it's a bad problem. Everytime I go out, I'm always thinking someone is staring at me and when I glance at them, I assume I can read their thoughts and I get myself all depressed and angry. Sometimes they do stare at me (mainly old people because I am fat) and I try to ignore it. As much as I profess to loath the world, I am completely vulnerable to it.

 

Life is full of oppornities for progress. I met a wonderful man who despite his attempts to make me feel beautiful, I know it's up to me. He has shown me protection, acceptance and stability that I never had in my whole entire life. We are completely different but I wouldn't have it any other way. We started a family of our own and I'm shown what I've been missing in life.

 

I have become more ambitious..I don't give up as easily as I used to. I'm gradually getting more self reliant and I'm taking my life and living it my way. Not the way the world wants me to live it.

 

I hardly communicate with the people who contributed anything negative in my life. I drag myself down enough occasionally I don't need help.

 

Soo...I've loved, lost, screwed up, gained and continue living...

[Krosigrim]

Indeed. You cannot love others until you can love yourself. You cannot give me an apple, if you dont have one.

 

Yea I got into the pointing fingers routine. I always complained about things, not actually looking inward. How I effect others... How I effect myself... It is easy to loose sight of how much power we posess. No one can make you do anything. There is always a choice. There is always more than one way. Everytime you make a decision, you are altering the world around you, not just your life. And pretaining to you alone, there is much power in decisions.

 

Its easy to take things for granted. Id also state, that if you really appreciate something someone has done for you, make sure they know you do. Even if its old news. As for those who have done you wrong... you gotta let go. Hell, ill help you out. I'll split it into to frames of mind...

 

1: Why bother. crap happens. You ultimately have to make your own decisions anyway... so get on with your life. That sh!t is in the past. Use it as foundation or seasoning. Lord knows I have endless stories of crazzy sh!t... lol

 

2: Dont let them hold power over you. I once had a gf who enjoyed people talking about her. In the bad sense. Because it ment they were still... talking about her. As in... people used their mental faculties... brain power focused on her. Im just making a point though, realy- why would you want to actually give someone who wronged you any reserved place in your mind? They are undeserving of your thoughts even! Do you feel me on this?!?!

 

So, onward. Getting your sh!t straight. Alot of us have some years on us. I am not saying you younger guys don't know whats up... hell I'm an old soul, as they say. To the intelllegant and observant/aware "yungins" (lol) , they can see things as they are, just usually lack the adult XP to have more of a bearing on the actuality of things. But to the point, do things for yourself, not others. You know what I mean. If you stopped smoking for a girl, but didnt really want to... one is usually inclined to start again, or subconsiousally get agitated at the girl. If you are always doing for others sake, why the hell are you doing it in the forst place? Sure you can make others happy, but you gotta be happy yourself. Only then can you bring true happyness to others, to loved ones... and that there is the only way to be truly complete.

 

I can hear endless debate on that point. Its simple. You have power. Everything you do has significance. Even the mondane... the small things can add foundation, or lead the way to other things. There is an infinite amount of variations. Butterfly effects etc. But the way I see it, Life has more meaning than most realize. If you dont do anything at all, your robbing yourself, and OTHERS of significance. Everyone is delt a hand, it up to you to play it. And if your not happy with yourself, how can you truly make those you care about happy? You cant, cause if they truly care about you, they are unhappy and saddened you are in ruin.

 

Be mindful of how others treat you. Sure you need to do what is right... but if someone takes you for granted... uses you... and the like, they are truly unworthy. At leat as they are. Do not "waste" youself on the undeserving. Help others when you can, but if they don't take the reigns for themselves, they are truly using you. I know, as I have done just that, many many times. And It'll take a bit till im free of that weight. Until I can forgive myself. I will become worthy. As even the worst can do too. Remember that we are human, and we all make mistakes. As long as you draw breath, you have purpose. One might argue, about those who are unworthy. Those who create misery even.

 

All I can say about that, is were all in the same boat. Life has the same rules for anyone. It's the worldy station that differs. You draw breath, so you effect others, good or bad. And while you draw breath, you are able to change. It is never too late. Some of us............ are late bloomers. None is exempt of turning things around or making things better.

 

Also remember... that you are special. At least I hope so. It is true, some of us are more specail than others. But, never loose sight of your worth. Like I said, you effect others. I find great happiness in the knowledge that I bring joy to others. Or at least when I do... which brings me back to being able to forgive yourself, and let go. We make mistakes. Once something is done, thats it. It is set. You cannot change it. The only thing that is left in that case, is using it as foundation, as I said.

 

Forgiveness. That is such a weight. Forgiveing yourself... and others. It's quite possiblly the hardest thing to do. But if you dont, you will forever be bogged down with weight. One way or another. Once you are free of hate / guilt, you are free. Do you hear me? ONCE YOU ARE FREE OF HATE AND GUILT, YOU ARE FREE!

 

Lol I need to start blogging no?

[Hera]

I know you've felt bad about the way you did some people over. Everyone has unintentionally hurt others for their personal gains. Never once did we think you were going to do that to us. We didn't really care either way to be honest because we knew whatever we were doing was for the good. We didn't expect to change who you were..just to help you in a better direction. We love you very much as a friend and some of our conversations I will always hold to heart. You're like me in a sense though, we give excellent advice, open up wide perspectives for others but fail to do it for ourselves.

 

But as I said before, life is full of opportunities for progress. Everyday, God gives us the chance to redeem ourselves and use our full potential as human beings.

 

I'm still learning how to forgive myself when I do something idiotic. I don't really hurt people it's just I'll set myself up for things I know I shouldn't be involved in and in turn it always bites me in the arse. I always dwell on things done in the past..like I should have said this or done that. I keep reminding myself that there is always room for correction.

 

Forgiving others...I usually don't have a problem with that. Except for the people who were most involved in my life. I still find it hard to forgive my father for his transgressions. I forgive his actions from the past but not from the present. It seems as though every time I show forgiveness, he finds a way to wheedle himself back in and push my buttons. The people who know how to twist my emotions around and make me always feel at fault are the ones I'm having trouble forgiving. Even my own mother. So, I've been dealing with those issues and praying about it. Hopefully I can get the courage eventually to just sit down with them all and tell them how much I'm hurt and to look them in the eyes and tell them that I forgive them. I really don't see that happening anytime soon. Nobody in my family admits they're wrong about anything. If they do, they still manage to put the blame on someone else..mainly me.

 

eh..I could go on and on but it's really of no significance. I just need to get a backbone and fix the problems instead of ignoring it.

[Fatal Rose]

I really like the new site! Good job GC!!

[L.S.D]

I still want the black BG.

[Krosigrim]

LOL yea, I really miss the dark BG. But I hear tell of at least 1 other BG option. If you can make optional BG's, perhaps GC would let us request some!