So, I'm having a problem with a friend

[Explosive Misanthropy]

So, here's the scoop. I've known my friend Erica for 18 years now, ever since we were about 3. She'd been my neighbor my entire life. For a while there, she was getting herself into some dumb shit. Fatal Rose has talked to her on the phone, and I've talked to him about her, so he knows, and Krosigrim has met her before, so he knows a little about her too. Well, recently she had a baby. She's 20. Now, here's the dilemma: She has recently started to go to school, she has her first job, and she got her first care. The dilemma is this, she has started to see this guy, who she thinks might be the father of her baby, but he is an "ex" heroin user, and he got out of jail recently for credit card fraud. Erica has a record of her own that's well over a year old, but because of "psychological" problems, they keep an eye on her, and I'm sure that if she messes up one more time, they're going to take her baby away. She is a great mother. Her problems don't get in the way of that. I'm just worried that something will happen to her because of this guy. Another reason why I'm involved is because Erica isn't the smartest person, and I've always been her bodyguard so to speak. I've been her conscious and since I recently moved away to Alabama, 500 miles away from my home town in Florida, and where she still is, I can't look out for her and make sure she makes the right decisions. I'm worried that this guy is going to manipulate her to where she can't talk to me anymore, and I'm worried something will happen to her, or worse, her son. I moved away to get away from the problems there, but they seem to have gotten worse since I left. I don't know what to do. I'm in a rut, and at risk of losing my best friend because of some douche bag druggy.

 

HELP!

[VT-Vincent]

I don't mean to sound like an insensitive ass, but she's 20 years old - she's an adult capable of making her own decisions and accepting the consequences of those decisions. If she chooses to associate with someone who has a questionable past that she's well aware of, then she will need to accept the consequences for that. I can understand much it would hurt to loose a friend over this, but it's important to realize that if that happened, it would have been by her decision that the friendship was broken off.

 

Regarding having her child taken away, I think you need to look at it objectively. The intent of this would be to protect the well being of the child, if the authorities felt the need to intervene in such a drastic way, isn't there a possibility that it could be justified?

[Shibathedog]

How do you know he is a bad guy though? I know people who have done a lot of drugs and been in and out of trouble many times but they aren't bad people, they just do stupid things. I guess they could wind up doing something stupid that would get them in trouble. I wouldn't be worried so much about violence/violent crimes though.

 

I would find out more about this guy before I did anything. Unfortunately the truth is you can't do much. Your too far away, all you can do is tell her things over the phone or whatever and she might listen she might not. Pretty much the only thing you can do is just go with the situation and offer her your advice depending on what is happening at the time and hope she listens or can make the right decision for herself like Vincent said.

[Inky]

she's a big girl. you left the area to get away from bad situations and make a change. well, get on with it. don't let those issues keep you in the shit, even from 500 miles away.

[Shibathedog]

she's a big girl. you left the area to get away from bad situations and make a change. well, get on with it. don't let those issues keep you in the shit, even from 500 miles away.

 

Yeah honestly the best thing to do is just forget about it and say fuck it or you'll drive yourself nuts. Although I have been in a situation where I moved away from almost everyone I ever knew so I know it's not easy to just up and do that.

[Inky]

I guess I am just a bit more hardened. when I moved from all my long time friends that was it. I mean if one of us is in the other's area we will call and get lunch or something. but I don't miss them or think about them much.

[KyokugenKiss]

you'd imagine people would forcibly grow up for the sake of children

 

 

 

ever notice how strange shit always drops in either florida or germany?

 

 

[veristic]

Yeah, its nice you care for your friend and all but you're not her keeper. Decisions that will impact her life are her own to reap and you can't "prevent" her from making a potentially hazardous mistake because all you're doing is prolonging the situation where she hasn't learned for herself to prevent things on her own. If she's going to fuck up (pardon my tact) she will, and you helping her avoid it is simply you prolonging the inevitable. She has to learn for herself and change on her own. You can however be there to encourage her and support her through it all but you can't hold her hand through it. People like her, in her situation have issues and nobody's going to help make that change in life for them but themselves. It's just unfortunate it sometimes gets bad enough that it involves innocents who suffer such as her child who (pardon my tact again) shouldn't have happened to begin with.

[Explosive Misanthropy]

I believe that if anyone will shoot you up with water, so you could get used to the way it feels, is never going to be a good person. But that's the way I feel. I'm kinda more worried about the guy's friends than I am about him. He wasn't doing all those drugs alone. Like, Erica did morphine a few times, and that super fucked her up. She was thinking that her father was paying her friends to hang out with her, so they could tell him what she was doing. Then she saii=d that she put a kite in a tree with a red blinky light to "distract" the cameras... She was nuts before. Now that she has this baby, she's grown up a whole lot, and I'm just worried that she's going to regress, because she'll do anything you tell her to. Another thing I'm worried about is that her son is only 9 months old, she needs to be spending the night with him, not going out and drinking, and staying the night at the Ryan guy's house. But that's how I feel. I feel like, when you have a baby, your time of doing all that shit is over. The second she decided to keep that baby, then her life becomes all about him. But, that's how I'd be. You have a baby, you sacrifice all that stuff. She feels like if someone is there to babysit, then she can stay the night out. Ugh, that shit bothers me. And I don't know how much better a foster care system would be for him. I know a few kids that came from them, the kinda kids whose parents ignored them, or abused them. They're really messed up. But I know there are good foster care places out there, but who knows how lucky her son will be to get into one.

Downtown Orlando is a baaad, baaad place, and odds are he'd end up in one there because that's where Erica's councilors are based. I know I'm too worried for it to not be my situation. She wont answer my phone calls, and what not, so I left her a message telling her I'm done, that this isn't my business, and she can do what she wants. She wants me to fail at life in Alabama so I can come back to Florida, and I told her that if she fucks up because of this guy, I'm not coming back. That's the best i can do. She's the only real reason I would go back to that god forsaken place anyway. My mom is the only other person I'd go back there for, but she'd come here for me all the same.

[veristic]

It takes guts to tell someone you care about that you're willing to let go because of their shortcomings. I can relate believe me, because being a compassionate person makes you always want to to keep trying to help and not just because you want to, but because you feel like you have to. And you will always feel that way because you are inside a considerate individual. And sometimes we too need to let go of those we "depend on" for whatever reason we hold on to friends who are incorrigible. But sometimes, though they need help, they don't want it. If she ignores you its probably because she feels like she doesn't want to be told how to be a mother or be a better person in general even though she KNOWS she needs to change because its true and she probably hears it all the time. Change only comes from an inherent, selfish desire to do something for themselves – not because someone else thinks they should even if they are right. If she chooses to support her junkie man and his damaging habits to her lifestyle and environment... its on her. Who will ultimately pay for it however is her child and she probably doesn't recognize the severity or seriousness of her sense of self, or lack-there-of. If her father is paying her friends to keep an eye on her then you know something's wrong and a smart person would look at themselves and say "wtf is wrong with me" but no, they remain immature and think others are overbearing and hypercritical. At worst, perhaps her father can take in the child. Or maybe you can. Be the best thing that happened to that kid by association. *shrug*

 

No one could blame you however if you didn't.

 

Her life isn't your responsibility.

[VT-Vincent]

She is very lucky to have you as a friend, but from what you've said it sounds like she made her decision. There unfortunately comes a point where there's nothing more you can do and you can't waste your life trying to fix someone else's, particularly someone who doesn't want their life in order. This kind of situational is very unfortunate because of how many people it hurts... it affects her child, her true friends and likely her parents. When you ignore the harm you're causing all three, it can only be summed up in one word - selfishness.