Posting joke out of boredom

[Gryph]

what's the difference between a pizza and a jew?

 

 

pizza's don't scream when they are thrown into the oven

 

LOLOLOL!!!111!!one!!one!

Ok, it's crap like that will get threads like this closed.

[L.S.D]

Yeah, so tone down the jokes a bit. Be more sensitive with racial jokes.

[Wizard]

That seriously killed the thread.

[L.S.D]

Let me save it by posting another joke

 

Ladies night prayer !

 

Now I lay me Down to sleep.

 

I pray the Lord My shape to keep.

 

Please no wrinkles

 

Please no bags

 

And please lift my butt Before it sags.

 

Please no age spots

 

Please no grey

 

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

 

Please keep me healthy

 

Please keep me young,

 

And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.

 

 

Aah !! Men !!

[Gryph]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[L.S.D]

Muahahaha, the Little Johhny jokes. I like it a lot last time.

Ok, here's another one

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter... You gotta love

a man like this... Humor in the face of defeat!!!

 

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he

received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she

explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been

gone, and that she wanted to break up with him... AND,

that she wanted the pictures that he had of her back.

So, the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all of the

unwanted photos of women that he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes,

some without) to his girlfriend with the following note...

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your

picture and send the rest back."

Atta boy!

[neo]

THis guy went hunting and met this monkey, but this was no ordinary monkey,he could talk. Seeing the skill the hunter made him choose, the choices were, Getting his tail chopped off, of his head. After thinking through the options, the minkey boldly said that he wantedhis head chopped off! The hunter overflowing with curiousity Asked you choose this are you stupid, or dont you know you will die! The monkey then intelligently said, If my head if cut off i will die ,but if my tail is cut off i would look like the person reading this post

[AndymaN]

Let me get this straight. You can get cancer from deoderant?!?! Uh oh...

[Sybarite Paladin AxL]

I hate racial jokes!

Ok here's one

A priest and 2 nuns where playing golf!

The priest get into postion, aims, and misses!!

"flocking crap! Goddamnit! I missed!"

The nuns, scared by the priests awful language say:

"Father, it is a sin to swear! Please do not talk so!"

The second time, same thing!

"flocking crap! Goddamnit! I missed!"

"Father!! Angering the lord is not wise at all"

Third time, same thing!!

All of the sudden a bolt of lightning descend and deep-fries the nuns!

Then a voice from the clouds says:

"flocking crap! Goddamnit! I missed!"

[L.S.D]

Ok, this one is the Polish joke

 

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms. LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is "yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read-it says,

 

"Polish Remover."

[zhugeliang]

3 chinese torture methods

 

a man was robbed for all his luggage and his passport as he was on vacation in china. he wanders aimlessly through the valley and as the night comes upon him he spots a house with its lights on. he walks up tot he door and knocks and is greeted by a surly old man. he asks him if it would be kind enuff to provide him shelter for the night. the old man complies saying that as long as he didnt talk to his daughter that he would give him shelter but if he did talk to her however he would have to endure 3 chinese torture methods. having no other choice the man agreed. during dinner the man sees this daughter and is automatically drawn towards her. when the old man falls asleep he creeps into the daughters room and they make love. the man awakes to find that he has a 100 pound rock on his chest. painted on the rock was 1st chinese torture method, 100 pound rock on your chest. the man shrugged it off and laughed at the pitiful so called torture. he lifts the rock and walks over to the window and tosses it out. as the rock falls towards the ground it spins around and the man notices another sign on the other side of the rock reading 2nd chinese torture method, rock attached to left nut. the man panics and in an effort to keep his testicle he decides to jump out of the window. just as he leaps out of the window he notices a sign outside in the ground which read 3rd chinese torture method, right nut attached to bedpost.