Jokes

[zhugeliang]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

**************************************

 

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

 

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

****************************************************************************

 

Subject: FW: The SIGN says what?

To: Sally Fowler

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: The SIGN says what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I read that sign right?

 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

 

 

 

 

 

In a Laundromat:

 

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

 

 

In a London department store:

 

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

 

 

 

In an office:

 

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

 

 

 

In an office:

 

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

 

 

 

Outside a secondhand shop:

 

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOURWIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

 

 

Notice in health food shop window:

 

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

 

 

Spotted in a safari park:

 

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

 

 

Seen during a conference:

 

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

 

 

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

 

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

 

 

Message on a leaflet:

 

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

 

 

On a repair shop door:

 

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

 

 

There is a lost dog in your neighborhood who has strayed away from her owner. The dog is a dark brown Chihuahua with a white stomach. The owner is heartbroken and is willing to pay a generous reward for the dog's safe return. She is currently putting up posters in your area. Please be on the lookout for this dog LUCKY".

 

Subject: ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

 

 

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

 

Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

 

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

 

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

 

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

Amish Women

 

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer

stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted

to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it

could be dangerous. "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have

my husband repair it as soon as I return home.

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is

wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to

animals so you should have your husband check that too. "Again I thank thee.

I shall have my husband check both

when I get home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her

husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on

immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong

with the emergency brake.

 

I found these on the net on another forum and thought you might like em.

[Gryph]

Hahaha! Those are some nice jokes there.

 

Here is one:

 

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

 

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

 

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

 

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

 

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

 

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[Skythe]

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

 

He saw the gas bill.

[Gryph]

EDIT: Ok, this joke is really bad, I can't believe I posted it. I've replaced it with this horrible corny joke instead.

 

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

Edited September 24, 2004 by GryphonKlaw

[zhugeliang]

3 friends die and go to hell together. The devils greets them and they all have drinks and party together. After about 3 hours the guys started talking about how much fun hell was and how the devil wasnt all that bad. Thats when the devil informed them he only get them drunk to mess up their common sense and now they had to choose their fate. He looks at the first guy and tells him,"You can take 100 boofus and go back to earth or death."

"Whats a boofu?

"A boofu is when you get a dick stuffed up your ass."

"Awww man...... hicup...... Ill take 100 boofus.

So the dude takes his boofus and goes back to earth. The devil looks at the second friend and tells him," You can have 200 boofus and go back to earth or death."

"200? WTF, he only got 100."

"200 boofus or DEATH!"

"flock, 200 boofus then...... this sucks"

The second guy takes 250 boofus for his outburst and gets sent back to earth. Finally the devil looks at the 3rd friend and tells him," You can have 300 boofus or DEATH"

"This is some bullshit... hic... man 300!!!?"

"300 boofus or DEATH!!!!"

"flock that crap man, I ain't taking no 300 flocking boofus..... hic..... flock that crap...hic... just give me death biatch!!!"

The devil smirks," Okay then, death it is. You shall die from BOOFUS!!!!"

[Gryph]

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge.

"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was flocking Goofy!"

Edited September 24, 2004 by GryphonKlaw

[Ghosty]

WHAT THE 5 FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SLAP!!!!

 

Yes I Know It Was Crappy But Meh.

[-VIOLENCE-]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

**************************************

 

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

 

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

****************************************************************************

 

Subject: FW: The SIGN says what?

To: Sally Fowler

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: The SIGN says what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I read that sign right?

 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

 

 

 

 

 

In a Laundromat:

 

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

 

 

In a London department store:

 

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

 

 

 

In an office:

 

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

 

 

 

In an office:

 

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

 

 

 

Outside a secondhand shop:

 

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOURWIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

 

 

Notice in health food shop window:

 

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

 

 

Spotted in a safari park:

 

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

 

 

Seen during a conference:

 

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

 

 

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

 

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

 

 

Message on a leaflet:

 

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

 

 

On a repair shop door:

 

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

 

 

There is a lost dog in your neighborhood who has strayed away from her owner. The dog is a dark brown Chihuahua with a white stomach. The owner is heartbroken and is willing to pay a generous reward for the dog's safe return. She is currently putting up posters in your area. Please be on the lookout for this dog LUCKY".

 

Subject: ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

 

 

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

 

Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

 

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

 

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

 

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

Amish Women

 

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer

stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted

to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it

could be dangerous. "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have

my husband repair it as soon as I return home.

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is

wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to

animals so you should have your husband check that too. "Again I thank thee.

I shall have my husband check both

when I get home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her

husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on

immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong

with the emergency brake.

 

I found these on the net on another forum and thought you might like em.

what a long joke....

 

 

 

...Honey, I don't read.

 

"I'm read to"

 

[KyokugenKiss]

i like jokes....but shiet im not about to read that crap!!! put it on Wav. or somthing

[montpics]

i like jokes....but shiet im not about to read that crap!!! put it on Wav. or somthing

lmao! I never thought someone would mention this earlier than I am.

 

Jokes are okay, make it short and simple. I just don't to let my eyes tired after this long jokes.